My Dad died
*Warning. The below was not edited and contains more harsh language than normal. It was penned December 21, two days after my Dad died. If your not interested, or are easily offended scroll past.
In two days its my birthday. Two days ago my Dad died. Today I opened a birthday card followed by a “Sincerest Condolences” card.
I write this before the wound heals, and it may not be clear or prophetic. It may not even make sense. But he was my Dad and I know the way he lived will help someone someday as long as I get this on paper when all I want to do is anything but. When all I want to do is end the pain.
When people die suddenly, read not in a hospital, the police are called. This is the scene I arrived upon receiving a phone call that just said “come quick”. My windshield whippers couldn’t, nor the radio, drown out the longest 5 minute drive I had alone to my Fathers home.
The previous day my Dad had not answered his phone after three attempts. This was very rare, but not unheard of. I explained to Chasity that I would give him until the morning until I traveled across town to rouse him. I was robbed of the chance when my phone rang. “Dad” flashed on my caller I.D. Relieved I answered “bout time”, I said. The voice ringing back was not my Father, it was his social worker.
As I rounded the corner I saw multiple police cruisers. Do you know what it means when all cop cars are around and no ambulance? It means there is no one to save. I knew this, and I stopped hurrying…there was nothing to hurry for.
I entered the apartment structure and was first met by a crying landlord. Ten steps or so into what felt to be a super heated lobby I met two blues, and a detective. They were blocking further entry, and I remember thinking, “How dare you block me? If I want by you, I will do it”.I remember staring through the eyes of the detective when he said, “the news isn’t good”.
When a death is sudden these supposed purveyors of the law inspect all the angles. When someone tells you, “your Father passed”, they stare at your eyes trying to read your reaction. Somehow we look for solace or education in the eyes of another human experiencing a tragedy. Either that, or we morbidly want to see what their gaze offers us. Mine offered little more than a word. “Move”, I said.
My Dad had died in his sleep. His body lie still. His gaze fixed on the ceiling in what they claimed was “peace”. Who the are they to tell me what peace is? The most ridiculous thing I can remember is the insidious comments idiots make in a supposed attempt to make me feel better. “He’s in a better place”. “There is no more pain for him now”.
Were you here, how do you know what its like to die alone jackass? Better place? I believe in a heaven and a very real hell and to my knowledge my Father’s faith was shaky at best. That could very well mean he is in a lot more pain so you can take your sympathetic ear and shove it up your ass.
What society asks a son to sign “paperwork” with his dead Father two feet away. A society confounded by rules that treats souls like consumers. Humans like cattle. Under the witness line I wrote, “fuck you”.
Within minutes I left. Alone. Everybody wants to tell you about how your should handle something of this nature. How do they know, and why is their way right? In fact I think however I wish to concern myself with future actions is 100% correct. To “deal” with it I write because that’s what I do. But not for me only, for you and your family. To teach you a lesson because that’s my gift. To educate unceremoniously. To us everything, even the most painful things as a tool to learn from without objection. Free from conformity.
My Father lead a life of drugs, alcohol and food. He remained in a drunken state for my entire youth until ten years ago when a stroke forced him to give up the bottle. The bottle he replaced with sugar.
My Dad was given a wake up call. He chose to go back to sleep. He was given a chance to spend more time, better time with his Son, and he chose a different vice. He was allotted a chance, something much more than many are given today, and he wasted it on food and laziness. He wasted it while his Son walks the earth preaching the exact opposite. With his Son in his face everyday begging him to change his ways, he continued. And now he selfishly pays with his life.
For ten years after a stoke my Dad progressively gained weight and got worse. His stroke was little more than an injury he made into a catastrophe. A catalyst of death that started him digging a grave ten years ago. Maybe my bar fighting drug dealing Dad died ten years ago, or maybe he just started digging.
I don’t want to write this, nor do I want to think about it. But you need to hear it. He chose death, and if you aren’t getting better, your only getting worse. My Father got what he deserves because he didn’t care enough to change it and if you don’t like hearing that, then you need the information most of all. He’s my Dad, and this time their is no opinion. There is fact. The fact is, no matter how painfull it is for you to read it, it kills me to write that the Father I knew is dead today because he would not chose life with his son if it meant giving up his horrible ways. Ways that were nothing more than food addiction+laziness.
I bet you are doing these actions today, or at the very least, you know someone that is. I hope my pain helps them. I hope something I never wanted to put on paper saves another human because Its tearing me up inside writing it.
In life my Dad was never really helpful to anyone, but his death will not be in vain. I was a zealot for health far before he cashed out, and it will only get worse. If your not living for more than yourself today. If your not weighing all your actions by those effected by them, your lost. And if your not found soon you will leave someone in your wake in pain…do you really want that?
Do you want to be remembered the way I remember my Dad? A fat, and lazy man who survived his last ten years progressively succumbing to the disease of nothingness until God gets pissed off enough and takes his gift of life away. Will your legacy be providence, decadence, or nothingness?
My Dad was put on this earth to help you or someone you know. From his atrocious example I will make my efforts known around the world that his behavior, his life of giving up is no life at all, and if someone doesn’t stand up everyday and shout how wrong we are as a world it will never get better. If we keep allowing sweet nothings and condolences to be whispered in our ear we will never change our torturous ways.
In my faith, suicide by laziness, suicide by food, is suicide all the same. He’s not in a better place and nor will you or yours be if they live like society commands. I will give my all to make everyone realize life is so much more than my Dad ever thought it was and I pray others listen. I pray others follow suit. No one should have to watch their loved ones kill themselves day after day when they hold the cure the entire time. And no one should endure the disease of survival, when we have the cure of life.
My Dad wasn’t a great man, but he will become a great example. His memory will motivate me to keep shoving our cure down the throats of everyone like him for the rest of my days weather they want it or not…..our cure, the CrossFit cure. The only way in which we can prevent this from happening over and over again.
Strength:
Box Squat
Find your 2 rep max
For Score:
3-Power Snatches 55/75
3-Snatch Balance 55/75
3-Sotts Press 55/75
AMRAP 4 Minutes
rest 1 Minute
10-Double Unders
5-Parallette Pass-thrus
AMRAP 4 Minutes
Post weight moved and total reps from each WOD to comments.
Josh – This had to be excruciatingly painful to write, but it will be worth it. It will resonate with many, encourage them to look harder at themselves or be more resolute with those they love and it will fuel you that much more. Keep fighting, you’re doing a lot of good for a lot of people!
Josh, I can feel your pain as I am reading this! I understand all to well how growing up with an alcoholic parent effects us no matter how old we are. I will always be messed up because of my past but will not let my past own me. Thank you for what you do for others EVERY SINGLE DAY! You are making a difference and your dads death will not be in vain. Thinking of you and praying for you today!
You’re in my prayers. Thanks for sharing your experiences to help others … Keep doing what you do because it DOES make a difference.
Heartbreaking. I’m so glad I finally woke up from the sugar stupor I was in. You are so right in everything you said (as painful as it must have been) and I don’t want my son to grow up with the same impression of me. This post is a good reminder that every day I have the chance to make the right choices and lead him by example. I’m sorry for your loss.
I don’t know what to say other than thanks for sharing. This one cuts further to the core than usual to me- because I don’t want my own son to say this about me, and sadly I am being owned right now by dumb even suicidal food choices. Fortunately I know what’s right, the sad part of this article was hearing it narrated in my son’s voice.
Thanks for being honest jb. I think even we forget how far you are willing to go to keep is all in check when we make bullshit food and life choices. I am thankful for all of the good you are doing in all of our lives.
I cannot describe how much this post, this eye-opening post will help people Josh. It truly has helped me, and I choose what I will become. You are such a role model to me and if I can be half the person you are today when I am grown up, then I will feel accomplished. You have such talent, motivation, and faith that makes me want to be a better person, so just know that by this post and all of your other writings, you have helped atleast one person. Thank you, I will keep you in my prayers.
Josh, My mom’s birthday is in 2 days and I am going to visit her. You have reminded me that I cannot take for granted that my parents will always be here and will try to visit them more often. I have tried talking to my mom about her diet but since she is almost 82, I’ve found it very difficult to get anywhere. Food is an enjoyment to her and luckily she is not a sugar addict. She has a great mind but her body is starting to slow down. I will keep trying to educate her. It sounds like you did everything you could to help guide your dad. Thanks for sharing with us. You have my sincere sympathy. Ann
We re-posted to continue to spread the word.
You are in our thoughts.
-JM
Josh, we can’t thank you enough for the words you share. You have a great gift of helping others. The reward of seeing the lives you change must feel amazing. Often times it’s easier to deal with things alone, but know that your PCF family is always here for you as you have been for all of us.
155# box sq
3 rds (m @ 45#)
3+12
225# box sq
3rds +8reps
3 rds
Josh,
I am very sorry for your loss, but also for all the disappointment you have felt the last ten years. Your father missed out on a wonderful son. We will keep you in our prayers.
The Masons
165# box squat
5 Rds (M 33#)
2+14
205# box squat (pr by 70#!)
4(m)/4+8(m)
205 box squat – got 215 once but couldn’t make it happen the second rep…
5 rds (m)/3+13
Josh-
Thank you…. For being you. And continuing to share your raw honesty and conviction. You will affect so many lives with your voice.
I am very sorry for your pain and loss.
anyone serious about a full-time customer service job or know someone let me know.
215
3/3+11
285
3+3 M
4+2
105
4+12 M (33# bar and push press instead of sotts)
3+12
315/ 8m/6
Josh,
So sorry to hear about your loss. You may not have been able to reach the one person in your life who needed you the most, but you’ve reached countless others. Thank you for all you’ve done for me and my family by just being you.
185# box squat (beat my 1RM by 10 #!)
3+6 @ 55# (although my Sotts were not impressive…probably should have an ‘m’)
3+10 (all unbroken double unders!!! i think i’m finally getting it!)
Josh,
Having lost my Mom when I was 16 and my Father at 26 due not only to the environment they were in (my Father passed due to Asbestoses as a result of 38 years at the Shipyards) but also as in part due to “life choices”, (smoking a pack a day and a six pack each). I find myself reading your word and hear them cuttin gto my entire being and core. The more I visit this site the more I learn and practice. I have much to learn and work on myself. I will be printing this article so a sto share and read again and again as I need to hear these words myself. Thank you for what you do for the Community that is Practice Cross Fit. Happy Belated Birthday and never stop the fight.
3 rds m at 43#
3 + 11
175 box squat
5rds @55 (m- press instead of sotts)
4rds
That actually is Nikki’s….I accidentally entered mine under matts log in! Oops!!!!
JB….much to love to you from the Paulus’s. Your post resonates deeply with me in oh so very many ways….very deeply. Thank you for being raw….real….and doing what you do.
Josh,
I am sorry for all the pain that is so strongly driving you right now. In true Josh fashion though, your choice to learn, teach and motivate as a result of your situation is inspiring. Many would weap and wallow and miss the lesson inside of the pain. And the tendency for descendants to follow suit of a parent’s deadly parents is so prevalent in our society so thank you for pushing to break that cycle.
165 Box squat
3(m)/3(m)
Ahhhh, I need some overhead mobility ASAP
Good working with you Michelle!
Josh, I read this last night and have thought about you so much today. This post has so many teachable life lessons. I’m deeply saddened that your father’s life was at the center of these lessons. Everyday I am thankful for the rawness of your writing and the care and concern that you have for others that shines through the words you use.
Thank you for using your life experience to positively live your life and impact change in the community around you.
You’re in my thoughts and prayers Josh….you are truly an inspiration with CF, for me and I am sure I speak for many other people. I am very sorry and saddened by your loss. Its sad to think abou how your father has effected you and has been the center of lifes lessons BUT you have turned that into the AMAZING TEACHER you are for MANY people. Much love from CF Crave!
275/3+10 reps/5
Josh…so very sorry…im praying for you.